If you want to read http://autismsurvivor984.blogspot.com/ that is where I am. Thanks~~~~~~ xoxox, Kandi Ann PS. Apparently, I post in both blogs. I guess I am easy to confuse. hrm. I will try to pick one. For now its blogspot….. We shall see.
The night time fears vanish with the rising sun, the voices quiet down. All the bad that can happen to a person is what my mind tells me can happen to me, that I can wake to a different reality. Now I am in between that horrid fear and the breath of relief that comes in the morning. I did not sleep last night. Too much going on. Real fears of not waking in time to get our sick puppy to the vet. Throw on the fear of leaving the house and I don’t know whether to just hop in bed now that the sun is out and push out the day or power through. My mind is a terrible place to be after midnight.
I am so glad to be back in Kansas. I am at the library posting this. I am hoping to eventually have wi fi at home but until then, I will do what I have to do. This is again, just a test post with a pic thrown in for fun.
Today is the day I lost my Dad many years ago. 13 to be exact. I will call my Mom today and my sister because they were there that night too. We all share the memory of his death. He took his life with his Colt 45, my sister and I had to clean up the mess he left behind. Depression sucks. also, being a white male wasn’t good for him as far as getting medical help. He had titanitus (spelling?), a ringing in his ears that drove him mad amongst other stuff and no one knew what that was then. But no matter, he’s gone, were left behind and I’m hoping that where ever he is its not hell. And I will light a candle for him today and try to forget the bad stuff and remember the good. Rest in Peace if you can. You are loved.
Back home and happy to be here. I will start by saying I have no connection at home to post my blog stuff so I do this while I’m out. My husband and daughter are inside walmart getting stuff we need so I am parked close to McDonalds and borrowing their much loved wi fi.
My daughter is officially enrolled in school and I am so proud. And my grandaughter is amazing and smart and the cutest baby ever.
I have an upstairs room with 2 smoke detectors close by. I never thought I would choose willingly to stay upstairs but I like it. There are 3 rms upstairs and 2 downstairs. Its so weird to finally be back here. 2 yrs in Florida was enough. Way too hot. My car has been back and forth so many times now. Buick le sabre is a solid car. Not sorry I got her. I guess that’s all for now. Till next time….
I don’t have a good internet connection, though McDonalds is only 6 blocks away so I can upload my posts there as needed.
Onto this kid. My daughter had her little cousin here. She is ten and she stayed for about a week. I have never met a meaner child. I tried to engage her in fun stuff. And talk to her about her attitude and stuff but I guess it didn’t sink in. As she was leaving she stole 50 dollars off my night stand and cigarrettes, lighters (from a roomate), knives (3 of them) and a bunch of my grand babies stuff. I think she managed to get something from everyone. Good thing we caught her before she left with the stuff. She won’t be allowed back. And I will be and have been Praying for her. I’m just still in shock.
On my way to the fly over state I now live in, I met a woman who has a little boy on the spectrum, Autistic, and she told me about his aggressive streak. Well, I know when I am most pissed off and ready to smash people and things is when I am hurting. Either from being touched or noise input that I cannot handle. Now I can express I don’t like this. Not 10 yrs ago I didn’t even know what was wrong so I couldn’t explain it.
Soooo, this woman is explaining to me that he freaks out when he is touched AND HE NEEDS TO GET OVER IT! I don’t care how much therapy you give him, its still going to hurt if your touching him and he doesn’t want to be touched. I’m trying to be a little givng here, but damn, it hurts even when I want to be touched. So there is that too.
My brain says, oooh come over here and squish me and love me and hug me and never let me go, and my body says back the @$%^ off. So there is also that. If I go to you its not awful. If you reciprocate its a little more difficult, I personally can hold kids, puppies, give hugs and I am fine. Its when the hug is returned that I react. My skin burns where I am touched. I don’t believe if I didn’t have the Mom I was given that I would even be verbal. So I can tell people how I feel. (It doesn’t do a bit of good really, maybe a tiny bit, but this world is not up to dealing with my needs, most ignore them to their needs, I don’t like the phone, it hurts my ears, but, I get called all the time because its easier on the caller. I’m going to guess it doesn’t physically hurt to txt me BUT I HURT WHEN I’M ON THE PHONE!) I can’t sleep without my soothy an I can’t find it. This sucks. Or not as is the actual case. (My soothy is my darn binky, yes, your child could go to college with his/her binky. I have met soooo many people over the years who still use a binky/thumb suck as an adult. All they have to do is see mine and they open right up, oh cool, I still (insert thumb or binky) do that too. )
I think that does it for tonight…… I’m no good on no sleep…
I feel like a Princess in this room and it was 49.00 the same price as the dive down the street which is what got me to pull over after 24 hrs of travel, with stops thrown in for critter care and restin up.
Thank you so much to the man with the dog that eats her veggies, that tank of gas you gave me was more then just travel power. It gave me a happy in my tummy that is still there. I will definitely try watermelon with Tay. The others are a no go.
Here’s some pics of my room, also funds for it donated from caring people. Thanks to everyone who helped. I am almost there. One sleep and I will be with my kid. Yay!
And one of my Tay
I’m safe and over tired. I cannot sleep.
I missed seeing the kitty last night but my neighbor fed him, I checked his bowl and it had food in it. I left her canned food and I just fed him tonight dry and wet. Not sure where the neighbor is as I haven’t seen her all day.
I hate to have to leave him in 2 days. At least now I cannot feel his ribs much.
I took Skitz home. I am glad I did. They were happy to see each other. They are quite bonded.
I had a good nights sleep and productive day, for me. I got al my stuff organized that I will be traveling with and got myself fed. I had 3 doses off pain meds today. I called my pharmacy and got a miracle, they had a refill of my Tramadol that I didn’t have before. Weird. Miracle of the mos! I took 2 this morning. 2 butabiline around 1 and 4 ibuprophen tonight. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.
Those stupid people are still letting their dogs out and they have chased Taylor 5 times already. I don’t let them get close enough to bite her though. The first time was one time too many!